a new do

i woke up this morning and felt a whole lot better. I guess those meds are finally working. I haven't gone groceryshopping yet but i took the kids outside and enjoyed the sun a little bit. It was a beautiful day and i had to celebrate my new found strength so i called the sitter and my best friend. the sitter watched my babies and i took claudia to a super fancy hairsalon. The owner is on tv, oh yeah!!! that fancy, ha ha ha. I got a very awesome haircut and feel sooo pretty. I came home earlier and told chris and he was happy to see me happy. I guess he thought it was a good time to ask for yet another x box.....it was a good time. ha ha. He had two or three of them already but they got lost or destroyed in iraq or during other wars at home. We fought over the last one a lot so he finally eliminated it. It seems to be the coolest thing downrange and i guess he needs one again. as long as he doesn't bring it home i guess i can live with that.
I miss him very much, my christopher, my super husband:) Still three months to go until he can come home on leave but we are already planning all diffrent kinds of trips we'd like to go on....It helps pass the time. The Babies help to. They keep me very busy but in a good way, i am not so overwhelmed anymore and after all i am not alone. Now that i've been so sick i learned who my true friends are and who really isn't. sad and good at the same time. anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy its late and i will go to bed now....i HAVE to go groceryshopping tomorrow!!!! Absolutely have to!!!

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and all of a sudden

i see whats really important. i am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, i am constantly cleaning, making appointments, paying bills, i waste sooo much time worrying about tomorrow and next week and what's gonna happen in a year and weather or not i like the army. weather or not i am gonna make it through another day without chris...should i go see a doctor and get happy pills???
will my asthma get better?? what if i get hospitalized? what if the army keeps him in iraq longer?? when should i renew my residency?? could i even travel to the states right now? do i even want to? where do we want to live? is viana's new carseat good enough? oh yeah its top of the line, it was a whopping 400 dollars. but is it really THE safest out there??? My heart is beating soooo fast and there is a million things to do, GOD i need groceries AGAIN!!!!!
I QUIT. Whats the point? I am exhausted. I can't wait for the days to go by faster and faster and faster, i want them to fade, i want chris back. but what's the point? i could die at any second. i could fall off this raggedy stool right now. it hurts my back and it would stop instantly. whats the point? i got it all!!!!!!I have a man who loves me. i have two wonderful healthy children. I want to make a promise to myself. today!!! right now! I want to LIVE more and worry less. there is no point in worrying. shit happens anyway, nobody can predict it and i sure as hell can't prevent it. no more! i am tired. i will do the best i can but that's all i can do...so enough. I am NOT SUPERAMY! I QUIT today!! I already know that when i wake up tomorrow morning, viana is gonna puke up her breakfast all over me, herself, the bed, the wall and the floor. i already know, so why get upset??? I KNOW that at some point tomorrow i will have an argument with anjali. so why get upset??? I already know. I know at some point tomorrow i will miss chris sooo much that it hurts. so i should just cry, let it out and go on...I already know that it's not easy. BUT that's not everything. i somehow forgot about all the happy things over the past couple of weeks. life was hectic, i was soo sick and i felt like i can't deal with it anymore. but i can. Anjali loves to learn, EVERYTHING. the ABC, shapes, colors....and she talks up a storm..she is sooooo funny! so cuddly, always gives me kisses. Viana is crawling and it looks sooooooooo adorable. when i pick her up in the morning she kicks and giggles. what a gift. how could i not see. life gets overwhelming sometimes especially for a military wife. it's tough but i shall never forget what really matters. my babies matter and that we are all healthy. i want to be happier and more at peace with the fact that chris is in iraq BUT he will come back and it will be ok. SO. tomorrow will be awesome!!!!! I will clean up the puke, bathe the kids....go groceryshopping. invite playdates and get a sitter for tomorrow night??? I could go out. sounds like a plan. a game plan. YES I CAN!!!! I AM A MILITARYWIFE AND I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DEPLOYMENT!!!! AMEN!

boy that felt good.....

the key to losing weight

i went on ebay and bought a weight watchers starter kit. it has the points list and a shopping guide. so all foods have a certain point value. i way a lot and get to eat 26 points worth of food everyday. i changed my eating habits a little bit but what i think really works for me is the soups. veggiesoup has zero points. i chop up leeks, zuchinis, carrots and bellpeppers and put them in a big pot with water. i add veggiebroth and let it cook until it looks soupy lol. i puree it a little bit, add salt and other spices. i usually eat whatever i like throughout the day but eat soup for dinner. i also eat ww cakes instead of regular chocolate. those cakes come in different flavors and have only one point. i also eat fruits with cool whip ( the no cal type) i don't go to the gym but i go for walks a couple of times a week. i also do about ten minutes of pilates (dvd) every other night. so all this is not a lot of work and i have lost 16 pounds since new years. i love food a lot ha ha so whenever i go out to eat i usually don't hold back but i make up for it the next day when i eat a lot of soup. the soup also gives me tons of energy and is very filling. i hope i can lose even more so i can look hot in a dress when chris comes home on RnR:)

really??

i read my last post and it made me feel a little better, but only a little. i woke up this morning and couldn't breathe. i have asthma....had it for over 20 years but i guess it got worse over the past couple of weeks. i've been putting it off to go see a doctor. its just not one of my favorite things to do, sitting in the waiting area for hours only to be seen by an oh so competent military doctor....
well i had to go today. she was not a doctor but a nurse practitioner, what the hell is that anyway?? oh she is like a doctor. ok so she is a nurse?? no, no she is like a doctor. whatever. did she run out of money before she could become a REAL doctor?? sorry, its nothing personal.... she was nice and super worried. turns out that my asthma has gotten really bad and maybe i have pneumonia or even something worse....but not so fast. we have to do some tests first. so the army likes to do tests at their very own facilities. i understand. there is this great army hospital an hour and a half away. uh... excuse me?? my husband is deployed, i have two children, one of them teething and the other one with the worst case of terrible twos the world has ever seen and you expect me to go where??? uh...no! she understands. good for her. so they did an x-ray today and i have to go back tomorrow to pick up a referral to be seen by a doctor on the economy. jeez i hope i am not so sick. what would i do if its something bad anyway? its not like i can take the day off to be sick and chris is in freaking iraq.
what is he doing there anyway. he fixes the generals truck....all day...thats what he does. at least he sounds fine. he seems to have fun with the guys and he loves going to the gym...

i guess i am ok too. i am only exhausted. sick and tired of this deployment and spring doesn't make it better. i guess i got the deployment blues going on. I don't even know what happened. i felt just fine only a few days ago and now i am sitting here all upset...
It truly is a love and hate thing with the army. i love being an army wife. i am cutout for this life and most of the time i can not even see ourselves getting out and living a normal life...a normal life ha ha ha. army strong!!!!!!hooah!!!! yaaaayyyyyyy. YES I CAN!!! oh boy...i better go to bed before i get worse. good night and

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