Friday, March 26, 2010

and all of a sudden

i see whats really important. i am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, i am constantly cleaning, making appointments, paying bills, i waste sooo much time worrying about tomorrow and next week and what's gonna happen in a year and weather or not i like the army. weather or not i am gonna make it through another day without chris...should i go see a doctor and get happy pills???
will my asthma get better?? what if i get hospitalized? what if the army keeps him in iraq longer?? when should i renew my residency?? could i even travel to the states right now? do i even want to? where do we want to live? is viana's new carseat good enough? oh yeah its top of the line, it was a whopping 400 dollars. but is it really THE safest out there??? My heart is beating soooo fast and there is a million things to do, GOD i need groceries AGAIN!!!!!
I QUIT. Whats the point? I am exhausted. I can't wait for the days to go by faster and faster and faster, i want them to fade, i want chris back. but what's the point? i could die at any second. i could fall off this raggedy stool right now. it hurts my back and it would stop instantly. whats the point? i got it all!!!!!!I have a man who loves me. i have two wonderful healthy children. I want to make a promise to myself. today!!! right now! I want to LIVE more and worry less. there is no point in worrying. shit happens anyway, nobody can predict it and i sure as hell can't prevent it. no more! i am tired. i will do the best i can but that's all i can enough. I am NOT SUPERAMY! I QUIT today!! I already know that when i wake up tomorrow morning, viana is gonna puke up her breakfast all over me, herself, the bed, the wall and the floor. i already know, so why get upset??? I KNOW that at some point tomorrow i will have an argument with anjali. so why get upset??? I already know. I know at some point tomorrow i will miss chris sooo much that it hurts. so i should just cry, let it out and go on...I already know that it's not easy. BUT that's not everything. i somehow forgot about all the happy things over the past couple of weeks. life was hectic, i was soo sick and i felt like i can't deal with it anymore. but i can. Anjali loves to learn, EVERYTHING. the ABC, shapes, colors....and she talks up a storm..she is sooooo funny! so cuddly, always gives me kisses. Viana is crawling and it looks sooooooooo adorable. when i pick her up in the morning she kicks and giggles. what a gift. how could i not see. life gets overwhelming sometimes especially for a military wife. it's tough but i shall never forget what really matters. my babies matter and that we are all healthy. i want to be happier and more at peace with the fact that chris is in iraq BUT he will come back and it will be ok. SO. tomorrow will be awesome!!!!! I will clean up the puke, bathe the kids....go groceryshopping. invite playdates and get a sitter for tomorrow night??? I could go out. sounds like a plan. a game plan. YES I CAN!!!! I AM A MILITARYWIFE AND I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DEPLOYMENT!!!! AMEN!

boy that felt good.....

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