Saturday, April 3, 2010

not skinny YET

i went to see my family yesterday and my sister gave me a whole bunch of old pictures of me that she had found among her family photos. it was sooo awesome to see myself young and happy and SKINNY. The pictures couldn't have appeared at a better time. I've been slacking with my diet and i haven't lost any weight the past few weeks and everyone who has ever dieted knows how discouraging that is. i was at the point where i almost gave up but NO MORE. There was a pic of me in a black shirt, nothing fancy and i look sooooo awesome in it!! I put the pic on the fridge and i am determined to do a billy blanks workout....monday, ha ha ha. i want to be a hundred percent and i have two more days of antibiotics.

so what's left to say? thank god for my wonderful children, my husband and my family. god bless you:)

say a prayer

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

a new do

i woke up this morning and felt a whole lot better. I guess those meds are finally working. I haven't gone groceryshopping yet but i took the kids outside and enjoyed the sun a little bit. It was a beautiful day and i had to celebrate my new found strength so i called the sitter and my best friend. the sitter watched my babies and i took claudia to a super fancy hairsalon. The owner is on tv, oh yeah!!! that fancy, ha ha ha. I got a very awesome haircut and feel sooo pretty. I came home earlier and told chris and he was happy to see me happy. I guess he thought it was a good time to ask for yet another x was a good time. ha ha. He had two or three of them already but they got lost or destroyed in iraq or during other wars at home. We fought over the last one a lot so he finally eliminated it. It seems to be the coolest thing downrange and i guess he needs one again. as long as he doesn't bring it home i guess i can live with that.
I miss him very much, my christopher, my super husband:) Still three months to go until he can come home on leave but we are already planning all diffrent kinds of trips we'd like to go on....It helps pass the time. The Babies help to. They keep me very busy but in a good way, i am not so overwhelmed anymore and after all i am not alone. Now that i've been so sick i learned who my true friends are and who really isn't. sad and good at the same time. anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy its late and i will go to bed now....i HAVE to go groceryshopping tomorrow!!!! Absolutely have to!!!

say a prayer

Friday, March 26, 2010

and all of a sudden

i see whats really important. i am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, i am constantly cleaning, making appointments, paying bills, i waste sooo much time worrying about tomorrow and next week and what's gonna happen in a year and weather or not i like the army. weather or not i am gonna make it through another day without chris...should i go see a doctor and get happy pills???
will my asthma get better?? what if i get hospitalized? what if the army keeps him in iraq longer?? when should i renew my residency?? could i even travel to the states right now? do i even want to? where do we want to live? is viana's new carseat good enough? oh yeah its top of the line, it was a whopping 400 dollars. but is it really THE safest out there??? My heart is beating soooo fast and there is a million things to do, GOD i need groceries AGAIN!!!!!
I QUIT. Whats the point? I am exhausted. I can't wait for the days to go by faster and faster and faster, i want them to fade, i want chris back. but what's the point? i could die at any second. i could fall off this raggedy stool right now. it hurts my back and it would stop instantly. whats the point? i got it all!!!!!!I have a man who loves me. i have two wonderful healthy children. I want to make a promise to myself. today!!! right now! I want to LIVE more and worry less. there is no point in worrying. shit happens anyway, nobody can predict it and i sure as hell can't prevent it. no more! i am tired. i will do the best i can but that's all i can enough. I am NOT SUPERAMY! I QUIT today!! I already know that when i wake up tomorrow morning, viana is gonna puke up her breakfast all over me, herself, the bed, the wall and the floor. i already know, so why get upset??? I KNOW that at some point tomorrow i will have an argument with anjali. so why get upset??? I already know. I know at some point tomorrow i will miss chris sooo much that it hurts. so i should just cry, let it out and go on...I already know that it's not easy. BUT that's not everything. i somehow forgot about all the happy things over the past couple of weeks. life was hectic, i was soo sick and i felt like i can't deal with it anymore. but i can. Anjali loves to learn, EVERYTHING. the ABC, shapes, colors....and she talks up a storm..she is sooooo funny! so cuddly, always gives me kisses. Viana is crawling and it looks sooooooooo adorable. when i pick her up in the morning she kicks and giggles. what a gift. how could i not see. life gets overwhelming sometimes especially for a military wife. it's tough but i shall never forget what really matters. my babies matter and that we are all healthy. i want to be happier and more at peace with the fact that chris is in iraq BUT he will come back and it will be ok. SO. tomorrow will be awesome!!!!! I will clean up the puke, bathe the kids....go groceryshopping. invite playdates and get a sitter for tomorrow night??? I could go out. sounds like a plan. a game plan. YES I CAN!!!! I AM A MILITARYWIFE AND I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DEPLOYMENT!!!! AMEN!

boy that felt good.....

Monday, March 1, 2010

the key to losing weight

i went on ebay and bought a weight watchers starter kit. it has the points list and a shopping guide. so all foods have a certain point value. i way a lot and get to eat 26 points worth of food everyday. i changed my eating habits a little bit but what i think really works for me is the soups. veggiesoup has zero points. i chop up leeks, zuchinis, carrots and bellpeppers and put them in a big pot with water. i add veggiebroth and let it cook until it looks soupy lol. i puree it a little bit, add salt and other spices. i usually eat whatever i like throughout the day but eat soup for dinner. i also eat ww cakes instead of regular chocolate. those cakes come in different flavors and have only one point. i also eat fruits with cool whip ( the no cal type) i don't go to the gym but i go for walks a couple of times a week. i also do about ten minutes of pilates (dvd) every other night. so all this is not a lot of work and i have lost 16 pounds since new years. i love food a lot ha ha so whenever i go out to eat i usually don't hold back but i make up for it the next day when i eat a lot of soup. the soup also gives me tons of energy and is very filling. i hope i can lose even more so i can look hot in a dress when chris comes home on RnR:)


i read my last post and it made me feel a little better, but only a little. i woke up this morning and couldn't breathe. i have asthma....had it for over 20 years but i guess it got worse over the past couple of weeks. i've been putting it off to go see a doctor. its just not one of my favorite things to do, sitting in the waiting area for hours only to be seen by an oh so competent military doctor....
well i had to go today. she was not a doctor but a nurse practitioner, what the hell is that anyway?? oh she is like a doctor. ok so she is a nurse?? no, no she is like a doctor. whatever. did she run out of money before she could become a REAL doctor?? sorry, its nothing personal.... she was nice and super worried. turns out that my asthma has gotten really bad and maybe i have pneumonia or even something worse....but not so fast. we have to do some tests first. so the army likes to do tests at their very own facilities. i understand. there is this great army hospital an hour and a half away. uh... excuse me?? my husband is deployed, i have two children, one of them teething and the other one with the worst case of terrible twos the world has ever seen and you expect me to go where???! she understands. good for her. so they did an x-ray today and i have to go back tomorrow to pick up a referral to be seen by a doctor on the economy. jeez i hope i am not so sick. what would i do if its something bad anyway? its not like i can take the day off to be sick and chris is in freaking iraq.
what is he doing there anyway. he fixes the generals truck....all day...thats what he does. at least he sounds fine. he seems to have fun with the guys and he loves going to the gym...

i guess i am ok too. i am only exhausted. sick and tired of this deployment and spring doesn't make it better. i guess i got the deployment blues going on. I don't even know what happened. i felt just fine only a few days ago and now i am sitting here all upset...
It truly is a love and hate thing with the army. i love being an army wife. i am cutout for this life and most of the time i can not even see ourselves getting out and living a normal life...a normal life ha ha ha. army strong!!!!!!hooah!!!! yaaaayyyyyyy. YES I CAN!!! oh boy...i better go to bed before i get worse. good night and

say a prayer

Thursday, February 25, 2010


i can't even find the right words to say how i feel. i am sooooo happy. i feel so calm and blessed as if an angel whispered in my ear at night, telling me that everything is going to be just fine. i am at peace with myself and my life. my children make my days so incredibly beautiful, filled with laughter, hugs and kisses on my cheeks, my hands, my belly:) I wake up in the morning and i hear anjali singing in her room or calling my name. i walk into her room and there it is the biggest smile you have ever seen. she is soo happy to see me. what a treat. and viana giggles and kicks off her blanket when i come to pick her up. i am soooo blessed. and chris is doing so well. we talk on skype as if he was sitting right in front of me. as if there weren't thousands of miles between us. we laugh and philosophize about our lives....

i thank god for all i have, my husband and my children, our families and friends.

the deployment is going by so fast. i hear birds singing in the morning, they let me know that spring is just around the corner and june is not so far away anymore. i can not wait to hold him again. i can't wait...

i keep busy with coffees, as usual. also the weather is getting better and we can go for walks. i loooooove spring, well almost spring. being more active helps me lose weight too. i have lost 15 lbs since new years. i am counting weight watchers points and eat soup for dinner. i make a new batch every other day. yummyyy.

my friends and i are going to ramstein tomorrow to hang out at the mall, ha ha. i just need to get out of town so i am really excited! well i better get to bed soooo i love you and

say a prayer

Monday, February 15, 2010

chinese food

rocks, especially when its an all you can eat bufett! It was awesome. Claudia, Tammy and i took our kids out for dinner on Vday. we all had a lot of fun. When i came home, the babies were so tired and went to bed right away. i then talked to chris a little but he wasn't in a good mood so we only talked for an hour. i think he really misses us now. i have gotten used to him being gone. i hardly ever get upset about it anymore, we even have his leavedates now so that makes it a lot easier too. it looks like we are staying in germany for that. the tickets for florida are still soooo expensive and now that i have a sitter we can have plenty alone time too. i would love to go though even though flying by myself with two children has to suck. we will see. maybe the ticket get cheaper and after all i have tons of friends to help me get on the plane and when i get there mami is gonna be there. i miss her. ugh......... its snowing again. it drives me nuts. i have to take viana to the doctor today to get her shots...chris usually does that because i start crying when they do that. i can't help it. but today its gonna be not like it.

other than that i don't have much going on. i think i'm gonna bake cookies for chris....

say a prayer

Saturday, February 13, 2010


so, the party was good, i found a new friend and to celebrate, we went on a date at yours for the best chickenwings i have ever had. they are sooooooooooooo yummy. so yummy, i had to go back yesterday with claudia and kayla. we took the kids to the faschingparade downtown. there were rides and loooooots of candy. anjali had a blast and the chickenwings afterwards made her day complete. i wish chris could have been there but he has to deal with stinky costumers at the gym in baghdad. he is not very happy with that job anymore so he will go back to the motorpool on monday.

today is valentines day. i have never been obsessed with it like many other women but last year we actually got a hotelroom, had a fabulous dinner at this super awesome restaurant and then went this year is the complete opposite.
i miss you honey!!!!!!!!!
there was suppose to be another parade but it snowed a ton last night so i don't know whats gonna happen now. I could bake a cake, but despite my love for chickenwings i keep losing weight and i don't want to push it...maybe....i i guess i'll just call the girls and see what they have to say.

say a prayer

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

deployment blues

i stopped counting the days and i don't even know how long he has been gone anymore. i guess that's a good thing. he has been gone a while and there is till an even longer while to go. yep. chris is doing really good though. he runs the gym and is enjoying it a lot. he has got a lot of people around him all the time and stays super busy. i stay busy too, that coffee today....ahhhhhhhhhh lol. everybody is coming. should be fun. i love to have my friends around. we are all in the same boat and time flys when we are together.

so i better get going and babyproof this house, i'll tell u all about the coffeeparty later:)

say a prayer

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

i went home

and i really shouldnt have. its the same old thinking i could depend on my family but in the end thats just not how it is. they are just what they are and that will never change. so thats that. i just have to get it into my head and not forget!!!!!

i did find a babysitter though and thats superawesome!!!! she is german, 19 years old and speaks perfect english. she is soooo nice and not too expensive. i am thrilled. she watched the kids saturday night and i went out with a couple girls. i had fun but was supertired the next day. it all went well. my babies never knew i was gone:) chris bday was sunday and we couldnt even talk. that sucked. but i dont think it effected him much. i think he has gotten used to being over there. now all i have to do is get used to being here. ha ha ha. by myself. i wish i could move in with family in the states. at least they care. except that great fatherinlaw of mine.... i call him my monsterinlaw. oh well. i think he just hates women in general. i best stay away from him too!
boy my life is i am hosting a coffee on thursday. i invited 12 ladies plus kids i must have been crazy....but i havent met half of them. we all met online on so i am excited about that.

anjali is getting better with her abcs and viana weighs 21 lbs....yep....thats big!

say a prayer

Monday, February 1, 2010

snowing again

and i dont think its gonna stop anytime soon. its crazy out there. so last thursday i finally went to ikea and got tons of really cool stuff for anjali. i guess i didn't really think about the fact that i had to carry it all upstairs by myself....well. we got home and i took the kids up, changed and fed them. i then went back down and started bringing all the stuff up....except that one dresser. well it was still in the box and sooo heavy but i am not shy so i started ringing my neihbors doorbell. no answer. so i tried the next....i even went to the house next door and tried everybody!!!! no luck. meanwhile i was getting soooo freaking cold and a little desperate. in the end i had to bring that box up by myself. and i did it! yep! i have bruises on my arms now but i did it. trying to put that thing together was another story. i realized, i never had to put anything together. ever. so that took forever. i cursed ikea and the army and ikea and the army some more for taking my very much missed chris away from me. but i got it done and anjali loves her new room and thats all that matters. i am in YES I CAN mode now....

all that work really kicked my butt though. i was soo lazy over the weekend. tired, exhausted, fed up. i was getting so depressed. thinking i could never do it all by myself without any help....but i snapped out of it. i am ok. i got to talk to chris and we came to the conclusion that i need help. thats all it is. the kids are soo good. anjali listens so well and viana is the best baby ever, but to never ever get a break is what got to me. it was just a little bit too much. so i need a sitter. so i could at least get groceries without having to bring the kids. they occupy the whole shopping you can imagine how sucky that is..i buy one pack of diapers and the cart is full....

there are plenty of german sitters but they charge euros and euros are expensive so now i am trying to find an american one..wish me luck and

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010


we are all feeling a little better today. i had a stomachbug of the worst kind with cramps that make you wanna die. it was so painful, i cried. i had a fever and couldn't even rest. viana had a milder version of it. no fever and no cramps but she would vomit all over everything so i had to do tons of laundry. she just threw up an entire feeding again....more laundry but at least today i have more energy to take care of my children. anjali has a cold so thats not that bad....ugh gotta go

say a prayer

Saturday, January 23, 2010

blessed with you

it has been a month and it went by soooo quickly. i think my awesome coffeegang has something to do with it. we meet several times a week, to let our children play together, to vent about how unfair the army can be, to talk about how we deal with our husbands gone, or how we do not deal with anything at all. we tell jokes, gossip about the blonde neighbour who thinks she is paris hilton herself...ha ha. its always such a pleasure to have my friends around. time goes by sooo fast. and when they leave its already dinnertime and another day is almost over. i love it!

i met so many new ladies over the past weeks too. i meet them online, in the street or at frg meetings. i just love to recruit more women for our coffeegang.

today we are invited for dinner at petras house. i am excited. something to do!!!other than that there isn't much going on this weekend. i think i will go for a walk later...

oh i lost another 2 pounds, yaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. it's working....woooohooo..

ok, i got to go now, the kids need to take a bath!!!!

say a prayer

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


i am typing and typing, trying to find the right words. i just wanted to write a loveletter. i cant find the right words. there are memories though. remember when you would come by the alterations everyday to see me? remember our first kiss? remember when i made you propose twice because i thought you were drunk? ha ha. i remember the day you came home from iraq. how we cried ourselves to sleep that night. it was all so overwhelming. we couldnt believe that it was finally over. remember how i was late for our wedding?? ha ha. and how 21 days later i told you we were going to be parents. i remember. we are so blessed. i am so thankful for what we have. remember how we had to drive through the desert to get to irwin. wasnt that such a scary drive??? we thought we were lost. we didnt have any money then. remember the pontiac?? our ghettoride. ha ha. with the walmart A/C in it. but we made it and a couple of months later we had anjali. remember when you first held her? what it felt like. she is so perfect. so beautiful and smart. so amazing. what a blessing. i remember how she said dada first, after me teaching her mama all proud you were. remember her first steps? on her chunky legs. boy was she chubby. remember when we landed in frankfurt only to find out our orders had gotten changed? so upsetting but we had each other and in the end that was all we ever needed. and again we were pregnant. how you looked at me with tears in your eyes telling me how much you loved me. we just had viana. so tiny and perfect. i will never forget. one of my greatest memories. i could think of a million more memories that i share with you! i guess what i am trying to say is, thank you for being in my life, i wouldnt ever want it any other way! you do make my day even when you're gone. i look at our children and i know we will be ok. we will have each other back, so soon and our love is only growing stronger!!!

i love you very much!!!!!


i had a wonderful day with old and new friends and my babies. just a very relaxing afternoon. i am calm and relaxed, waiting for chris to come online. where are you my love. he really is my love. when you think the world is coming to an end and there is only one person to pull you out of it. chris is that person to me. my rock. the person i can always count on. the person i trust with my biggest fears. i share the most wonderful memories with him. the births of our children. i love thinking about all those memories over and over again. i smile. my heart is smiling too. i wish i could find the words to really express how i feel... the things we laugh about, ha ha. somewhere over the rainbow...........

say a prayer

Sunday, January 17, 2010

the quiet after the storm

tamara came over friday to go out with me. yes it really happened!! norina watched the kids and i was very comfortable leaving her in charge. she said they never woke up which lets me know, i can do this again. not for a loooooooong time though. we went to an irish pub, where i enjoyed a kilkenny. sooo yummy! we then went to a spanish bar. that was nice but i got so tired, i am just not used to staying up that late or maybe i am just getting old. plus, i guess, dancing by myself wasn't all that great either. i came home at 1.30am. not so bad but i felt like shit the next day. i was so tired but of course when you really, really want your kids to nap....they won't. i still had so much to do for saras babyshower too so i was running around all day getting stuff for today until finally seven o'clock rolled around and i could put the angels to sleep. i slept from eight to eight.

So today i woke up with a fever but a couple of tylenols later i was as good as new. a friend and i decorated the house and prepared the calories.. it was a nice shower. we all had great conversations, many laughs and sara got plenty of very nice gifts. we played silly games too. i had a great time. when everybody left, i prepared dinner for anjali and then put the babies in bed and cleaned the house.
i am tired. the fever never came back so that's good. all i wish for now, is to talk to chris. the house is so qiet all of a sudden. i miss you, honey.
Aaahhh i shouldn't get into it though. i have been doing very well. three weeks today. i will be ok. thinking about RnR keeps me going. the light at the end of the tunnel.ha ha. i will see him again. i just don't know if i can do florida. travelling with my children seems like a crazy idea, at least right now. but we still have ways to go anyway....

say a prayer

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


the past couple of days were more or less hectic, the ususal, i guess. i had to deal with more army buraucracy which, in the end, will hopefully result in us getting the ok to stay here in germany. for that ok, we had to see the doctor and i was told my asthma has gotten soooo bad i have to see a specialist ASAP and change my meds. well sorry guy but there is a snowstorm out there and i won't come back until next week, so there. i know, i can't take care of my children if i don't take care of myself...bla bla bla. yougottalovearmydoctors (very dramatic). i have had asthma since i was three. i will live another week without seeing that doctor. and no worries, dear reader, i will go and take care of myself, just not this week. the roads are really bad. that's why i kept anjali at home today too, plus she has a bit of a cold. unfortunately i still had to get groceries and that was a very unpleasent trip. luckily sara offered to watch the kids and i gladly accepted. the roads bad, its snowing like crazy and i couldn't see sh%$!! But i had to go. we were out of everything. i am glad i went this afternoon because the roads are even worse now.

i spent the rest of the day organizing my kitchen, putting groceries away and playing with my babies. i talked to chris earlier too. he is happy. he tells me about all the stuff he does at the gym and i can't help but feel jealous. he sits in 80 degree weather, has several cooks at his service and he can go to the gym everyday!!!! not so bad. mh...but then again, he can't hug the babies or me, he can't sleep in his own bed, he is in a warzone and... mh... but other than that, not so bad. ha ha ha ha

my poor baby. i am very glad he is doing so well. he seems comfortable and that makes me very happy. good night christopher and remember, we are looking at the SAME moon.

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Monday, January 11, 2010

i am alive

as you can see, i didn't shoot myself last night. eventually my babies went to sleep but i laid there awake for hours. unless i talk to chris, i will probably do the same tonight. i think he is ok but i haven't heard from him since noon yesterday. that irritates me very much. i have no patience for my children, i only listen to half of what people say to me...i am just not functioning right. i really hope he comes online tonight. i think this is what makes deployments so freaking hard to deal with. it feels like life is playing mindgames with me. GO ON, CHECK THE COMPUTER AGAIN....COME ON YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS A MESSAGE...and i don't. i walk in here a million times a day...what if he left a message...but he hasn't.
this morning i did't go to the gym as planned. i had to make an appointment for viana to get another set of shots. so i go to tricare and they tell me they need all different kinds of paperwork. i spent hours at deers.....yay.yougottalovethearmy.

but i have to say i ate according to ww yet another day and feel very confident that on sunday the scale will be vey friendly with me. today i also sent out messages to all the girlfriends i have in the area ( not soo many) to let them know that i have a babysitter for friday and i need a date!!!! They all have children and jealous husbands, lets hope i still get lucky. it would really suck if i had to go out by myself. picture myself sitting at a bar with a drink, telling my sorry story to drunk old men....

yaaaaaaaaaaaaay as i am writing this and talking to carol ( what a treat, my old friend) chris sends me a message, he will be online in 15 minutes!!! yaaaaaaaaaay

so off i go, oh yeah i still get pretty for my love, even if he can only see me on screen:) make up and hair done on top and sweats on the bottom ha ha ha.

say a prayer

Sunday, January 10, 2010


its past nine and the kids just won't sleep. i am sooo upset. i had to stop my workout several times and now i've had it. enough. they won't go to sleep anyway. i have to go and tuck them back in every other minute anyway. might as well just stop trying to work out and stay fat. that's right. i give up. at least for tonight. i ate super good today. i ate the points i was supposed to and wasn't even hungry. very good. so that part of my diet is working well but i really want to work out!!!! so tomorrow i will try to hit the gym after i drop off anjali at her playgroup. *sigh* i wish chris was here. things would be soo much easier. the other day viana puked out an entire meal all over me and the couch, after me and her both had taken a bath.....i had to do it all over again and clean up the mess with both babies crying their heads off.....i really missed chris then. today, anjali got a jar of pickles out of the fridge (she just learned to open the fridgedoor) and dropped it on the kitchen floor..... i really missed chris then too.
we got to talk to him a little bit today but he was supposed to come back on in the evening. so far, no chris. i don't think he is going to come on anymore. i will go to bed soon anyway, i am exhausted. it's not easy with the two monsters. but i might be able to go out on friday. norina said she has time to babysit so i might give it a try. god knows i need a break.
they keep waking up.... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??????????????????? i am gonna go shoot myself, see you later.....

say a prayer

Friday, January 8, 2010

two weeks

can you believe it has been two weeks? they went by faster than i thought. i still miss chris and i do have moments when i think i wont be able to make it on my own. but then i realize that i dont even have to. chris can help from a far and there are so many others i can count on. lyndon and jasmin came over today. lyndon took the trash out:) that was nice:) we all had a nice dinner and afterwards i got to talk to chris. i love you my angel. you make my day, even when we cant be together. i thank the lord for bringing you into my life.
anjali called lyndon papa, he played with her the entire time they were here. my poor child, i wish she could have her daddy.

i am eating super healthy and tomorrow petra and i are gonna figure out how to get those ww things:) i am excited. also i put away soo much money this month!!! i am super excited about that too. i know chris is too. he wants a ford flex. i want to get out the army. maybe. if he wants to too. if not, a bigger car would be very nice:) but then again, i don't want to miss chris ever, ever, ever again!!!!!!

say a prayer.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

email from chris

today i got this email from chris. this is the stuff that keeps our love very much alive and me happy as helllllllllll:))))))))

dont feel down in the dumps but if you do, consider me the trashman, i will scoop up your stinky messy dirty dont want them anymore days and take them away . OOOOOOOyyyyyaaaaaaa thats right I'M the man you go to for all your dirty jobs.
Had a bad day with the kids,trouble going uuupp and dddoowwnnn those stupid stairs, just call mister fix-it and I will sweep all your problems away. for the low low price of 19.99 a month you too can have a carefree life . lol if it was only that simple everyone whould pay that price, probably more . I wish i did not have to be here and i could stay home with you but yaaa. Im here and your there and i feel like i cant do anything to help you but you are right . sometimes all a person needs is some compassion and an open ear. you deserve that from me and I should focus on you guys more than myself . sometimes i just want to do my own thing and not to think about you guys ,i try to forget where i am and just focus on my job and my guys but that will never happen. i think about you guys (or should i say girls). both our girls are super cute and i know that you are taking super good care of them . I love you so much that i could never imagine myself without you in my life , your beautifully cute smile and your big soft but firm butt lol and open heart make me so happy to have you in my life. it will be over before we know it and we will be back in each others arms .

am i not such a lucky girl?????? and yeah, its safe to say chris really likes my

i wanna lose weight!!!!

after spending the past couple of days drinking coffee and eating cake, i am more than ready to go to the weight watchers meeting. i dropped anjali off at her playgroup and drove downtown. i found parking in a parking garage on the 5th floor. weight watcher meeting, here i come!!!! But not so fast. the stupid elevaters are not working. are you serious??? i have to take the stairs? with a stroller? yes ma'am. you do. i did.....
bent over, very slowly and step by step i make my way down there... when i finally arrive i need my asthma inhaler. boy, am i out of shape. so off to the meeting. everybody loves my baby, she is soooo cute and such a good baby. she never cries take her to a ww meeting. after excusing myself a couple of times i realize i should go. i ask the lady to sell me the starter package so i can go home and start counting points. she says she can't do that and would have to explain it to me first. she tells me to come back in a half hour - after the meeting.
a half hour later i am at the store buying lettuce. i am devestated. whay can't nothing ever work out in my favor?? ever? i am so lost. i will never survive this year without chris. its very exhausting. i don't get much time to myself anyway but now there is no time at all.

at night i told chris all about it but he was more concerned about some pimples he got......i was so dissapointed and started yelling at him. he apologized and said he didn't know what to say. he feels like he can't help me anyway since he is so far away. in the end we both started crying and realized that we just really miss each other. we both have our ups and downs throughout the day and its not so easy to lift each other up when we can not even hug. i miss hugging him :(

i want to be stronger. especially for anjali. she finally got to talk to chris today. she was acting very shy and a little goofy as if she didn't know what to do with herself. it must be very confusing for her. my poor child. chris was happy to see her and after a few minutes anjali warmed up and they played a little bit until he had to go back to work.

anjali is taking a nap and i am waiting on the electrician. 4 lamps in the house are not working....

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Tuesday, January 5, 2010

missing you

i went for a two hour walk in 29 degree weather yesterday. i must have been crazy. viana was bundled up in lamb skin and anjali had her michelinmansuit on. i didnt even think of putting a sweater on......yeah. so i almost froze to death. it was a very nice workout though. we came home and were soo tired. the babies went to bed right away and i took a defreezing bath, ha ha. i talked to chris last night for a little bit. he is still so busy. i hope its not gonna be like this forever...

so today i am having some of my friends and their children over for coffee and cake. i am always excited about having the house full of people. i hate being alone so i try to either visit or invite someone over everyday. keeps me busy and make sme tired. so far i had no trouble sleeping. i usually do, whenever chris is away for duty.

well i'll write more later, viana just woke up....

Sunday, January 3, 2010

bedtime thoughts

anjali had a blast at the party and it was the most wonderful thing to watch her. i feel so blessed when i look at my little girl. how beautiful she is and how much she looks like her father. i am thankful for my children and when i look at them i feel close to chris too. i got to talk to him earlier. he is getting real busy now. he has to fix all different kinds of vehicles for the iraqi army and he says they don't really take good care of the equipment. its good that he stays busy, it makes time go by faster. i hope he can come online earlier tommorrow so he can talk to anjali. he played with viana a little bit today. she stays up a little longer than anjali. he has a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge smile on his face when i hold viana close to the webcam. i feel so bad he can't hold her. but it's only a year right? maybe this is the last time we have to be seperated. sometimes i wish we would just get out the army but thats scary too. this is the only life we know. its a great life and we are cut out for it too. we love to move and redecorate our home. we have no problem making friends. chris loves his job and is very dedicated. he makes me soooo proud. its a very blessed life. if only there was no war. we can get out in 2012. by then the babies are both old enough to go to kindergarden. at least parttime. i could go back to work. maybe chris can find a job and we can buy a house and live happily ever after. or maybe we stay in and keep living the army life. but another deployment? my biggest fear is afghanistan. i pray he never has to go there.

things change with children. i wonder if its fair to them to move so often. or if its fair to them to be without their daddy for such a long time. right now i don't even know if we get to stay in germany until 2012 or if they will move us again. i want to stay. we like it here. the army will usually keep you at a place for three years but for some reason that doesn't apply to chris and i. i hope this time they'll let us stay. they are supposed to let us know by march...but who knows...after all its the army. i guess for now we will just have to get through this deployment. we will save as much money as possible so if we decide to get out the army, we actually can...

anyway, i lost two kilos. thats 4 pounds. 28 kilos to go....ha ha ha.

good night chris, good night aunt indiana:) i love you, and

say a prayer.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

good morning, dear reader

i woke up in a winterwonderland this morning. there is snow everywhere and for a second i get sooo excited to go outside and i want to wake chris and everybody else!!!!!! wake uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!!!!!! it snowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel silly. how could i forget? but i really did. i now remember clearly that he won't be able to play with us. i miss him so much. i wish he was here. i felt so confident the first couple of days and now i feel like i can't be without him another second. i wanna pack my children and start walking. i miss you angel, i miss you so much. its probably just now sinking in that he will not come home for a very long time.

nuremberg was fun, a little fun. we got there and the babies were extremely cranky. i was exhausted. i had had only very little sleep and the drive had made things worse. it was good to see everybody but all i could think of was chris. i hadn't heard from him and it was almost six at night. when i finally had the kids in bed i still couldn't sleep bacause i worried about chris. so i sat there. tired and worried. i text him several times but no reply. when he finally text me to say that he is fine, it was 11 pm. i went to bed. anjali and i shared a huge bed but she would toss and turn all night and wake every time she bumped into me. at five in the morning i finally had enough. i turned all the lights on, dressed my kids and drove home.

its good to be back. i gave the house a thorough cleaning, took a bath with the babies and got a good night sleep. so.... back to the snow. i guess we could play by ourselves, i guess we will have to. i am now waiting for chris to come online. i haven't seen him since new years eve. we could only exchange a few texts. he told me last night he had to go to the range today so i probably won't catch him until tonight but i still come into the computer room every couple minutes to check. to make sure the computer is still working properly, to make sure the speakers work ok, just in case he buzzed me....

Oh well, i guess i will get going. anjali is invited to a birthday party and i still have to get a i go. hugs for you, my dear reader and
say a prayer.

Friday, January 1, 2010

new years day

new years eve was weird, so many mixed feelings. i am so thankful, i got to spend it with chris. i sat in front of the computer with a vodka o. and we talked on skype for about three hours while the babies were sleeping. we played poker too. i guess we had as much fun as we could have considering that we are 2000 miles apart from each other. 30 minutes before mdnight the boys went outside to do some fireworks and watch the rest of the city do theirs. i love fireworks and i really wanted to go but it was raining and i didn't want to be without chris. when the clock struck midnight, i got sooo emotional. i wish i could have hugged him, kissed him. i started to cry a little but chris has a huuuuge smile on his face and i can't help but feel thankful for having him in my life. i am confident that the new year will bring soo much joy. our children are going to grow bigger, our love will grow stronger and soon enough i will have chris back here with me. i can't wait, my love, to feel whole again.

its ten in the morning and i have to make breakfast for the monsters. i am going to nuremberg today to drop of the boys and spend some time with my family. the crazy bunch. real crazy!!!!! so i probably won't be gone too long, ha ha. so my dear reader, i wish you a happy new year, and
say a prayer.